With baby B on the way, I find myself trying to get excited, but I’m having a difficult time. I think I’m trying to keep my distance, not think about the baby much in hopes that if things go wrong, I’ll feel less broken than I did when we lost Lily.
Just the other day we had a scare with B as Annie had to leave work due to a major bleeding incident. Thankfully, everything is going to be fine, Annie just needs to take it easy from here on out, but I could feel myself trying to wall up my emotions as the whole crisis unfolded.
I don’t want to be cold and distant about the potential of being a father, but with two losses now behind me, I can’t fathom a third. I keep telling Annie and others that I’ll breath easier once we get to Halloween. At that point, Bea should be far enough along that, despite being super early, he or she can survive thanks to medical science.
The idea of trying to remain emotionally distant from the baby my wife is growing over the next seventeen or so weeks seems a little crazy to my more rational side.
I’m sure there are others that feel this way. The whole thing, like most things in life, would be easier if I knew the outcome. If I knew for certain which direction things were going to go, I could either try to prepare myself or breathe easier today.
When Annie and I went in to see the OBGYN the other day, she asked if there was anything else she could do for us, and I jokingly said, “if you could just give us a magic pill to make this all work out… that would be great.”
It is going to be a long summer. Please continue to think positive thoughts about baby B, Annie and myself and if you pray… pray hard.
If you haven’t read what happened recently, check out Annie’s blog where she recounts the scare.