Many of you are going to find this pretty silly, but that’s okay. This is a post about me and for me.
I suffer from anxiety while playing competitive games and especially Fortnite: Battle Royale. The easy solution would be to stop playing the game, but there are aspects I really enjoy about the game, and for some reason, I want to get better at this game. Unfortunately, I am hitting a wall that I’ve always had in my career, hobbies, projects and just life in general: depression and anxiety are stopping me from achieving my goals. They affect my life like anchors around my neck and while my medication is doing wonders for my depression, my anxiety still hounds me.
I need to overcome this issue. I need to find a way to enjoy the game. I need to get my brain to relax, to not speed up my heart so much, to not constrict my chest, to not make my hands and feet cold. I feel so frustrated that after so much time in the game, I haven’t been able to get past this. I thought that if I trained heavily that eventually, I wouldn’t care and my body would relax. I even try to tell myself it doesn’t matter, and I have thrown some top 5 positions just to try to relax and reduce the weight that I’m giving to my performance and need to excel.
I have started working with a trainer to improve my gameplay, and while I am getting better positions in the matches, my anxiety is still extreme. I feel that I have some skills in the game and that I am above average in most situations, but any time I get to the top 20 players, my body reacts in negative ways.
I deal with this same kind of thing in real life in certain circumstances, so as silly as it might sound, I’m hopeful that if I have a breakthrough in playing this game, I might be able to translate some of that to my real life and handle situations better in my day to day life because I don’t deal with anxiety every day in my normal life, but I can in most games of Fortnite that I play…
There are times where I feel so frustrated that I’m being held back by my anxiety that I just want to uninstall the game, but then I remember all the fun I have and the sense of accomplishment I feel when I do really well or win. I’m hopeful that I’ll find a way to get over this. I don’t want my anxiety limiting me or slowing me down in anything I do, even just playing games.