This is a difficult topic for me to write about as I never thought I’d be heading down this road, but here we are…

There are so many moving pieces to this whole thing, but I should start by saying that my wife has written more about this journey than I probably ever will both on her blog and on an Instagram account she started called Operation Baby spaceship.

Basically, to get you all up to speed, my wife and I have decided to chase down surrogacy as an option to having a child to hopefully raise and take care of. My brother’s wife has said yes to being our surrogate and my brother and their children have given a thumbs up as well.

I really struggle with the idea of surrogacy, mostly because it is a difficult, awkward, and expensive process. It will take us more than a year from start to finish, and we already started on this journey months ago. It will cost tens of thousands of dollars. It will require testing and sampling and conversations that aren’t fun. It requires discomfort for my wife and my sister-in-law. The whole thing sends me spiraling through a bunch of emotions.

One of the conversations we have had to start working through is all of the worst case scenarios like in what circumstances do we consider abortion? What do we do if my sister-in-law experiences negative health effects? What if the pregnancy is a high risk and she’s off work for the majority of the time? A million different what-if’s. Eventually, all of our decisions regarding these worst case scenarios will be combined into a legal document that we will have lawyers revise to build a contract agreement for all of us to sign.

I’ve always wanted to be a parent and raise a child of my own, but I never thought I’d go so far to try to make it happen. Just yesterday we had a call with our fertility specialist and found out about multiple thousands of dollars in additional costs that we hadn’t learned about previously that we will be required to pay to make this all happen and we haven’t even locked down the total cost for everything yet, but know it’ll likely be in the mid-five figures.

The money portion really stresses me out. While I have a good income, a fairly frugal partner, and a mom helping make homecooked meals most nights, I still can’t help but feel so much weight on my shoulders regarding financing this endeavour. And it feels hard to complain about it because the “easiest” part of this whole thing is the financial aspect. The testing, the waiting, the discomfort and potential pain… those are the more difficult aspects of making this whole thing happen.

It’s hard for me to keep my eye on the prize, so to speak. To think about the potential success of having a child in my arms, a child to raise. I’d like to think I’d make an okay father, but at nearly forty years old, it also feels late to be starting out. I know others have done it, and I know if it works out, then I’ll do it too, but it wasn’t what I expected for my life, but who gets everything in life that they expect?

Annie has so much passion for making this a reality, and my sister-in-law’s grace helps keep it on track. And I am just here, feeling like I’m in the passenger seat, trying to protect my heart, grow my wallet, and keep on the path hoping that it will turn out the way we want this time, and not end in another heartache that I’ll have to carry with me forever.

In the end, I just wish this was all easier, less expensive, faster or at least guaranteed success.