Timing of Depression

It is Mental Health Week in Canada.

I’ve spoken a bit about this before, but I don’t suffer from situational depression. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that is persistent. This means that having a bad day at work or having something bad in my life doesn’t cause bouts of depression. Unfortunately, this also means that when things are going well in my life, I can experience a bad period of depression.

After Annie and I got married, I fell into a really bad depression. My wife has told me more than once, that she found it really hard. Here we are, newlyweds, and all I want to do is bury my head under my pillow and hide from the world. She couldn’t help but feel like it was her fault, and I didn’t have the energy or mental faculties to help her understood that it wasn’t her, or the fact that we were married. I was just depressed. Horrible timing, I know.

When my daughter passed away, I think many people looked at me, holding their breath and expecting me to fall into a bad depression. As sad as I was, I was also acutely aware that everyone was monitoring me so that they could support me if I needed it. It was really hard for me to draw a line between feeling sad about what happened and what my typical depression looks like. I didn’t suffer through my typical type of depression from her passing. I mourned, I was sad, and hurt, but I wasn’t suffering in the same way that I sometimes do.

Recently, my grandmother passed away. Again, I think people were a little concerned I’d fall into a depression. Lots of hard things had been happening. Even I wondered how much negativity my brain could take before I spiralled downwards. It was another horrible experience, but not a trigger for my depression.

Sometimes, I feel depressed. It doesn’t care what is happening in my life. It doesn’t matter how happy or sad that I felt yesterday. It hits me at what feels like random times. I know many people are affected by my depression and worry about me. I wish it was logical and something as simple as saying the right thing, or consoling me during a bad period would be enough to resolve how I felt.

I’m so thankful for my wife and her patience. I know that she has worked hard to understand depression, anxiety, and my struggles with them. It hasn’t been easy, but we support each other through thick and thin, and when she needs me, I find a way to be there for her.

One response to “Timing of Depression”

  1. I just want to let you know I get it. I too have suffered from depression. Mine is not chemical but life hasn’t been easy on me. But trhough it all I’ve managed to keep pushing onward and upward. I’m proud to know you. To know you have been fighting this openly and honestly and I have to admit I’m envious.

    When my girlfriend passed away years ago my life spiraled into the ground. I spent a year at rock bottom and wasn’t sure if I’d ever resurface and suprisingly I came back better than ever.

    Life is about the journey and about all we can learn. I’m proud to know you to have you as a friend. Thanks for being an encouragement in your personal battles that’s the true character of you. An encourager even when you aren’t always at 100 percent your better than most in this world.

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