Many of those that read my blog also read my wife’s, and she has been posting pretty consistently about our fertility journey and her struggles with PCOS. If you haven’t had a chance to read any of it, please check out her blog: ananee.wordpress.com.

I have been fairly quiet on this blog, not only about what we are going through with regards to our fertility journey, but in pretty much all things that are happening in my life. Today, I’d like to give some insight into how I’m feeling and what has been happening with regards to the potential my wife and I have of having children.

I knew early on that Annie might have some issues conceiving due to polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). I did some research early on and knew that this could be a stumbling block in our journey to become parents.

I have long since wanted to become a parent, but as things continue to move forward, I become ever more comfortable with the idea that it might just be Annie and I, team Anvid, and there is a growing part of me that is okay with that outcome.

Some days, it is very hard. I feel sad when I see children out in the world and their parents joyfully interacting with them. I feel some emptiness in my own life when I spend time with the youngest in Annie’s family and realize my role might only ever be as an uncle. I feel a sense of longing for my own children, but I also feel that if it was meant to happen for us, we wouldn’t need so much medical intervention.

In the last few months, Annie has been taking all kinds of medication in hopes of increasing our odds of having a child, but so far it hasn’t happened for us. The stress of having her hormones played with, her continued discomfort, the increasing financial cost, and the various other factors that come into play have been difficult for us. I will admit though that most of the stress and difficulty have been Annie’s to deal with, as I sit on the sidelines, trying my best to be supportive.

We’ve started looking at what our life might be like if we remain childless. We have looked into traveling, considered the things we may be able to afford, and discussed the comfort and lower stress living that might come from only having to take care of ourselves. But as much as we discuss it, I still struggle watching my wife’s defeated eyes when things don’t work out and hearing her frustration and sadness as we get more negative results from the Doctor.

Everyone tries to stay so positive around her, and even I find myself trying not to be too much of a realist for fear of causing her extra stress and sadness that she doesn’t need to have looming overhead. In my own mind though, I’ve already mourned the potential failures, the losses of the children that will likely never exist in our lives, the baby names we’ve picked out that will float around in our minds, attached to nothing but the dream of a person that will never really exist.

I also try to convince myself of the positive side of this potential result. I struggle with depression and anxiety issues of my own and wonder if I’d really make a good parent. I look at society and wonder if this is really a world worth trying to raise a child in. I consider my career and am concerned about the potential for financial instability in our family. Things like this all weigh heavily on me as I consider all of the possible outcomes of every potential future that we might have.

I don’t know if Annie and I will end up with any children. I don’t know how things will play out. I find not knowing almost paralyzing as we wait to see how things will work out. We both know that the paths our lives will take could be very different depending on if we have a child or don’t. And so we hold our breath, trying to make it work, hoping that whatever should happen, will happen and that we will have the strength to not only manage but enjoy the life we have together.