Now that Pixel is here, I have to figure out how to be a parent, and that is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. Where is my natural parenting ability? Why isn’t this easier?
Sleep Deprivation
Everyone laughs when I tell them lacking sleep has been hard. Both those that have kids and those that don’t empathize saying, “it will get better.” Right now Mr. Pixel is getting between 2.5 and 4 hours of sleep in a session. He then will want to be awake for around an hour to eat, digest, and be cuddled before going back to sleep for another period of time.
Sleep math doesn’t add up!
Getting two and a half hours twice in a night with an hour long waking period doesn’t equal starting your day feeling like you got five hours of sleep.
I also have to remind people I’m not in my twenties or thirties and much like recovering from a hang over is harder as you get older, missing sleep is also harder. I feel a bit hungover sometimes when I get up for the day. It doesn’t feel great.
I’ve started napping. This isn’t something I’ve ever been really great at, but started before Pixel was born, probably due to needing a CPAP machine to correct my sleep apnea. Now, I feel like I can fall asleep by getting comfortable nearly anywhere. It doesn’t matter how loud or quiet, how dark or light. If I have the opportunity to sleep because I know Pixel is safe, and I don’t have any pressing demands on my time, then I pass out. Sometimes for a few minutes, but often for about an hour. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t been using my CPAP machine while living at Annie’s sister’s place.
Soothing a Crying Baby
I feel like everyone always says “it’ll be different with your own baby,” and to an extent they are right. I know Pixel better than most people and he responds differently to me than many others, and so thanks to that, I feel more comfortable with him than with most other babies, but it is still super difficult to figure out what he needs and wants.
Sometimes, he is laughing and then all of a sudden he starts crying in a panicked way. Could it be a gas bubble? Did the light in the room change? Did he realize he’s hungry? Too warm? Too cold?
I wish I could say it is getting easier as he gets older, but we are only two and a half months on at this point, so things haven’t really gotten easier yet, and our doctor recently reminded us that colic issues can be a big deal right now, but to just be patient and do what we can to make him comfortable.
When I had to start back at work, part of me felt relieved. At least at work there are problems I know how to solve and that stay solved for a while when I do the right things. With Pixel, I never know how long my solution will work. Sometimes the thing that gets him to laugh once never seems to work again.
I have never wanted to help someone feel happy more than I do with Pixel.
Annie and I focus on going through the list of things he typically needs: food, fresh diaper, help sleeping, changing clothes, bathing, and then once we know those needs are met, we just kind of shrug at each other and keep trying things again and again until he’s settled or content.
Looking into the Future
One thing I find myself constantly thinking about is what Pixel’s life will be like. How can I give him a good life for as long as I’m around? I’m an older parent and know that there is more than a zero percent chance that I might not be here when he gets older. That weighs on my mind a bit.
When Pixel is 24, I’ll be 66, and when he’s 42, I’ll be 84!
I’ve worked on a new version of our will, made sure we have people that know they are selected to take care of Pixel if we both pass away.
Annie and I started recording our voice before Pixel was born for our surrogate to play on belly headphones for him to listen to in hopes our voice would seem familiar upon his birth. Here and there, we discuss continuing doing the recordings to have something to pass on to him if need be.
I wish I could say that having a child has radically changed the way I look at the world, the priority that I give my health, and so much more, but it hasn’t really. I just keep thinking and hoping more than doing.
I do want to keep Pixel fed, clothed, and housed, but beyond that, I’m not sure how to light a fire under my butt to make things easier or better for him.
Conclusion
It wasn’t our plan to have a child so late in life. We wanted to have Pixel when we were in our thirties. We planned to stop trying by the time we were thirty-six but kept going because we really wanted this opportunity.
My recommendation for others is to do everything you can to avoid being a parent starting so late in life. Have children when you are younger, so you’ll have more energy, your career will be less established, you’ll be able to recover faster from a sleepless night, and you’ll have higher odds of seeing your children grow into adulthood.
That doesn’t mean I wish Pixel wasn’t here. I’m beyond happy to have this opportunity. I love him so much. I just wish he had joined us earlier in our lives!
Malcolm's Ramblings 