The Loss of Lily

On July 12th, I wrote a post entitled, The Potential of No Children, where I described how my wife and I were starting to give up hope that we would ever have children. She had been taking medication to increase our odds, and it wasn’t looking great. The next steps would cost us a not-so-insignificant amount of money, and I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the potential outcome of never having a child.

In the summer, Annie and I took a trip out to British Columbia to visit her sister, and on our trip, we found out that the latest round of fertility treatments had worked. We were pregnant. I can’t explain how nervous and excited I was. I should note that in a previous relationship, I had lost a child at 14 weeks, and have never really recovered from the trauma of that situation. It made me a little gun-shy to start spreading the news in the early days, but Annie couldn’t hold in her excitement, and we knew that we would need support and guidance no matter how things turned out. Continue reading

Where is My Home?

Growing up as a military brat meant moving every three or four years. As an adult, I moved to go to College, living with my grandmother. When she sold her house, I moved into an apartment with her. After college, I moved around trying to balance my career aspirations with my desire to remain close to the woman I was in a relationship with. I’ve continued to move around nearly every year, changing jobs, or just feeling the need to have a chance of scenery. I always assumed I’d just know when to put down roots, and everything would come together and I’d feel home and never need to or want to leave. That intangible draw to somewhere, an instinct that it was home.

I am turning 33 this winter, and my wife and I continue to look at real estate hoping that we can find a way to afford a house in a place we want to call home. We feel happiest together, and I don’t want to belittle the sense of “home” that I get when I’m with her, but I also want to find a place where I can put down roots.

She lived most of her life in Georgetown, a smaller city at the western edge of the Greater Toronto Area. Of course, she had assumed that as an adult, she would buy a house and live there, near her family and friends. Unfortunately, the popularity of the area meant that house prices increased so much that our wages wouldn’t let us afford even a worn down condo.

We started to look westward and found that houses in Guelph were between $50,000 to $75,000 cheaper for comparable features. Unfortunately, as the years pass and the market continues to increase in price, the entry level detached home is quickly exiting the realm of affordability.

I currently work for a company in the U.S., and while I love working at 10up, the Canadian government sees me as running my own business and that makes getting a mortgage and owning a home a bit more difficult. It is one of the only drawbacks of working for a company not registered in Canada.

So we wait, living in our nice and comfortable apartment, hoping that something will change and we will either open up our options on where to live, so that we can move to a place where a house would be financially viable, I’ll have run my business long enough that mortgage brokers don’t see me as high risk, or that prices will adjust downwards slightly, putting more options into the affordable range, or that we will find the comfort to continue to be renters.

In the end, and despite living in Guelph for nearly half a year now, I still don’t feel like I’ve found a location in the world to call “home”.

The Potential of No Children

Many of those that read my blog also read my wife’s, and she has been posting pretty consistently about our fertility journey and her struggles with PCOS. If you haven’t had a chance to read any of it, please check out her blog:

I have been fairly quiet on this blog, not only about what we are going through with regards to our fertility journey, but in pretty much all things that are happening in my life. Today, I’d like to give some insight into how I’m feeling and what has been happening with regards to the potential my wife and I have of having children.

I knew early on that Annie might have some issues conceiving due to polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). I did some research early on and knew that this could be a stumbling block in our journey to become parents.

I have long since wanted to become a parent, but as things continue to move forward, I become ever more comfortable with the idea that it might just be Annie and I, team Anvid, and there is a growing part of me that is okay with that outcome.

Some days, it is very hard. I feel sad when I see children out in the world and their parents joyfully interacting with them. I feel some emptiness in my own life when I spend time with the youngest in Annie’s family and realize my role might only ever be as an uncle. I feel a sense of longing for my own children, but I also feel that if it was meant to happen for us, we wouldn’t need so much medical intervention.

In the last few months, Annie has been taking all kinds of medication in hopes of increasing our odds of having a child, but so far it hasn’t happened for us. The stress of having her hormones played with, her continued discomfort, the increasing financial cost, and the various other factors that come into play have been difficult for us. I will admit though that most of the stress and difficulty have been Annie’s to deal with, as I sit on the sidelines, trying my best to be supportive.

We’ve started looking at what our life might be like if we remain childless. We have looked into traveling, considered the things we may be able to afford, and discussed the comfort and lower stress living that might come from only having to take care of ourselves. But as much as we discuss it, I still struggle watching my wife’s defeated eyes when things don’t work out and hearing her frustration and sadness as we get more negative results from the Doctor.

Everyone tries to stay so positive around her, and even I find myself trying not to be too much of a realist for fear of causing her extra stress and sadness that she doesn’t need to have looming overhead. In my own mind though, I’ve already mourned the potential failures, the losses of the children that will likely never exist in our lives, the baby names we’ve picked out that will float around in our minds, attached to nothing but the dream of a person that will never really exist.

I also try to convince myself of the positive side of this potential result. I struggle with depression and anxiety issues of my own and wonder if I’d really make a good parent. I look at society and wonder if this is really a world worth trying to raise a child in. I consider my career and am concerned about the potential for financial instability in our family. Things like this all weigh heavily on me as I consider all of the possible outcomes of every potential future that we might have.

I don’t know if Annie and I will end up with any children. I don’t know how things will play out. I find not knowing almost paralyzing as we wait to see how things will work out. We both know that the paths our lives will take could be very different depending on if we have a child or don’t. And so we hold our breath, trying to make it work, hoping that whatever should happen, will happen and that we will have the strength to not only manage but enjoy the life we have together.

Does Creating Employment Really Matter?

This post is a bit of a rant, and is a bit of a brain dump. You’ve been warned. I’ve been thinking about the changes we are experiencing in modern first-world countries especially. I have been keeping track of the basic income movement and I see a strange set of mental blockers in our culture that will make transitioning to a heavily automated society very difficult.

The first thing to note is that we, those of us in the US and Canada especially, are way too focused on job creation numbers. I see all kinds of reports about how many thousand new jobs are created. Canada’s job gains biggest in 7 months, buoyed by manufacturing:

Canada’s economy added 58,900 jobs in May, handily topping expectations and the biggest gain since October, helped by a surge in employment in the manufacturing sector, data from Statistics Canada showed on Friday.

The news media seem to think that if job creation goes up, we are creating a wealthier/better society. We’ve trapped ourselves into over valuing raw employment numbers without considering any of the other factors or variables that go into those new jobs. Are they jobs that we have people with the skills and abilities to fill? Are they jobs that will provide meaningful value to those that receive them? Are they jobs that pay well enough to allow those that get them the income to improve our society in a noticeable way?

These are questions that likely only someone like myself, currently gainfully employed, can consider. I doubt those that are unemployed or underemployed care how fulfilling a job is or if it pays them enough to be happy, when they are trying to find something that will let them put food in their stomachs or a roof over their head. I know that our world needs to change, and that with increased automation, we are entering the early stages of a transition to a world with fewer jobs. In the basic income circles, I see a great, though simplistic example of what’s broken in our society.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Create a fishing robot, and all mankind starve?

It seems ridiculous, but our society hasn’t had the foresight to work out what we will need to do in a world that automates us completely out of the tasks needed to create products that provide for our needs. How long until most companies replace their front-line human staff with machines?

But I’m sure they’ll still need staff to cook the food, right? Unless they buy a bunch of Momentum Machines robots to make the burgers. Or maybe corporations will skip single purpose hamburger making machines and go right to a general set of kitchen arms to do the cooking like shown in the below video.

Well, at least companies will have to hire chef’s to come up with the recipes, right? There is no way machines could figure out how to come up with new combinations of food for corporations to create marketing campaigns around.

Come on…Really!? Well, maybe I’ll go to a grocery store instead, that way I can get real food from real people.

Well, moving on from the automated take over of our society, there is something more important I’ve constantly wondered about: how can we, as human beings, be happy with even one percent of our country’s population being in poverty? When we look at job numbers and see that we only have a few percentage points of unemployment, how can anyone feel happy? Is it because we feel like it isn’t many people or because we compare ourselves against countries that are worse off, thus excusing our own issues?

Think about this: in 2011, the working-age population (those aged 15 to 64) represented 68.5% of the Canadian population1. Assuming that is still the case today in 2015 (or close to it). We are currently a population of thirty-six million people. That means around twenty-five million people are currently working age. Canada currently has an unemployment rate of around 6%2 or 1,500,000 people that are considered “unemployed”. That’s more people than the entire population of Ottawa, Ontario3 also known as Canada’s capital. This number doesn’t even include the people that have given up looking for a job, and there are reports that the true unemployment could be two or three times this number4. This number doesn’t include people that are underemployed, which could double this number again. This ends up being a great deal of people in a pretty horrible situation, all because we, as a country, haven’t come together like the generations before us to take care of a huge issue in our society: the quality of life of all our citizens.

Say we create jobs for all of these people, most of them will likely be minimum wage; which, while increasing slowly to be closer to a livable wage, still doesn’t go far enough in creating an economic ladder for people to climb. With the middle class being squeezed out of existence5, it is quickly becoming difficult to move up the corporate ladder in a way that can benefit a family, be meaningful for the worker, and improve what they can provide to society at large.

It is rare today that we see one parent being able to stay home due to the economic struggles of the family unit. A single person working a decent median income job can no longer afford all that their family needs without a second income. With the median income family earning $76,5506 and the average price of homes at $448,8627, I don’t find it surprising that both parents often need to work. This means that we’ve removed the opportunities that come with being able to have someone be at home and raise their children. We have created extra stress and anxiety into our society by pushing the needs of our family, our home, and ourselves to the time between arriving home after work and going to bed each evening. My wife and I don’t currently have children, but I do know that we often struggle finding enough time to do all the things we’d like to do with our families, friends and each other.

I am frustrated with how broken society feels, and I know I’m one of the lucky ones. I don’t think that creating new jobs is the answer that our society needs. I don’t think that raising minimum wage is going to fix the issues I’m seeing everywhere. I don’t think that the systems being put in place for “on-demand” jobs is going to fix society. I really believe that there needs to be a fundamental shift in how the resources of our country are divided up and that we, as a collective, find a better way to support all of those that have need of food and shelter just as we’ve attempted to do for life threatening medical issues. I don’t know the solution, and I don’t know how long until someone smart finds one, but I do believe that we are living in the generation of transition and that automation is going to kill job creation, so we need to start thinking past the next quarter.

Check out Futurology, Basic Income and Lost Generation on Reddit, and start getting informed. We have a limited amount of time to pressure our government to make huge changes in our society, or the lack of employment might become an issue for nearly all of us.

One Year with Annie

Yesterday, Annie and I had our one year anniversary. Being married to her for a year was pretty easy and it brought a lot of joy to my life. The only downside was that it passed so quickly but thankfully there are so many positive memories.

We spent the morning relaxing as Annie was dealing with the side effects of some medication she has been on. In the early afternoon, we went out and did some errands before having brunch. I had bacon and eggs, and Annie had french toast, bacon and strawberries. It was a nice way to kick off the afternoon.

We then went to some open houses, before going to Kitchener for supper at Casey’s. The Casey’s there was not as fancy as we were used to, but we enjoyed our meal and the time together.

I can’t explain how much I enjoy being with my wife. We spent the evening cuddling and watching Star Trek: The Next Generation before reading our wedding retrospective blog posts to each other. Before going to bed, we listened to our engagement story. It was a really nice day.

Today, I am heading to Colorado for the all-staff meet-up and I wish Annie was coming with me. I can’t wait to see her again Friday evening. I know I won’t sleep as well without her by my side.

Fiction Workshop at the University of Guelph

Today, I went to a session at the Fiction Workshop that was open to the public at the University of Guelph. I attended, Finding Your Voice, a three hour workshop led by Kathy Friedman.

We discussed the different ways that someone can explore and evolve their voice, through picking a subject, reflecting yourself in your writing, and trying to find ways to figure out both your audience, and your narrator. I had a great time at the session and got to do some writing exercises, so I’m going to post the results here for you all to read, and enjoy.

Voice Experiments: Exercise #2

Write a scene at a party from the perspective of a person in love waiting for his or her spouse to arrive. Do not mention the spouse. Then write the same scene from the perspective of a person who is trying to quit smoking. Do not mention smoking.

Try to change the style you use in each scene. Including word choice, sentence length, tone, and point of view. Remember that what people fail to observe ca be as revelatory as what they do notice.

Endlessly Waiting

Trays of food, some empty, and others not, were slowly packed up. The music was shut off, and Helen found herself smiling at the hosts as they continued to shuffle about, cleaning the garbage, and returning their house to its original, pristine state.
“Are you sure you don’t want any help with anything?” She said, hoping for a distraction.
John, the owner of the house, waved her off. “No, we are doing fine.”
Helen looked out the window. Headlights shone back, and her heart skipped a beat. For a moment, she perked up, before realizing it was just an ambulance rushing by. She couldn’t help but tap her feet. Her heavy boots created a dull thud as they tapped against the large rectangular mat, with its bright red, “welcome home” text. Echoes of the fight from the previous evening still lingered in her mind.
“We could drive you home.” John’s wife, Sarah, shouted from the kitchen, as she threw a pile of dishes in the sink.
“No, it’ll be fine, I’m sure.”
“He knows you are here, right?” Sarah said walking towards Helen, her arms now empty.
“Was that an ambulance?”

Addicted Mind

I grabbed the garbage scattered around my house. I couldn’t wait until everyone had left. My hands continually shook, no matter what I did. Tearing into my nails with my teeth only seemed to remind me of what was missing from my mouth.
My mind tried to convince me that I was causing myself pain and anguish for nothing. I tried to push through, providing myself with positive affirmations. Unfortunately, my imagination, my addicted self, was just as intelligent and creative.
Each thought that I tried to focus on was ripped away with a negative slant. I couldn’t find anything that would make me feel better, and everything around me reminded me of what I was missing out on.
“This is all going to work out.” I tried to focus on the positive reason for my change. “Think of the money you’ll save.”
“You fool, you were happier, more productive. Remember how you used to feel?” My addicted self replied.
“I won’t stink anymore. I won’t have to go outside in the cold anymore.”
“You’ll miss out on all the conversations between your co-workers. You only got your raise because you knew what was happening in your department.”
“I’ll live longer.”
“You’ll enjoy that longer life less.”
“I’ll be healthier.”
“I’m sure you are giving yourself so many more years with that weight you’ve gained.”
On and on it went, the cycle was so exhausting, so infuriating. I just wanted to give in.

Another New Apartment

Written February 8th So Annie and I are moving again. The process of moving so often has definitely taken its toll on me. We are moving from Georgetown to Guelph. I’ll be around another half an hour to forty-five minutes away from my Kingston and Ottawa family and friends, but this apartment provides Annie and I with everything we need.

It is a two bedroom, plus den condo apartment that we are renting. It comes with in-suite laundry, dishwasher, and an underground parking spot. It has an elevator so that Annie’s mom can live with us without issue. It has enough space where we can feel comfortable, but not so much that maintaining it will seem overwhelming. It is also brand new. No one else has lived here before. Annie has been enjoying that fact immensely.

Having a great place to move into doesn’t fix the issues with moving out of the old place though. Today, I was expecting Bell to come and set-up Internet at the new apartment. Why am I going with Bell after having enjoyed Distributel so much? Well, the building we are moving into are fibre buildings, and it goes right into the unit. Apparently, Bell made a deal with the condos to have exclusivity for a period of time so that it was worth their time to set-up the infrastructure. As far as I know, you can also get Rogers here, but since my cell phone is currently with Bell, I went with them to get a few extra dollars off in a bundle deal.

Annie and I “camped” out at our new apartment so I could be here for our 8AM to 10AM window for the Bell technician to start doing the installation. At 9:45AM, Bell called and let me know they weren’t coming today, but that they could come tomorrow. Unfortunately, I can’t stay here and work from our new apartment yet as my desktop computer is in Georgetown, and I can’t trust that they won’t move the appointment again. On top of all of that, Annie had already left for Church in Georgetown, so I’m stuck, in Guelph, alone, until she is able to get back to me this afternoon. So I called Bell, and let them know how displeased I am. I asked them to move the appointment to next weekend. and guess when the only open spot is? The same time as this weekend. So I’ll miss Church again with Annie, and they better not move the appointment again.

Hopefully, by the time they come, we will have most of our Guelph apartment set-up. On Saturday, Annie and I did a small load of stuff from the storage unit and our apartment, and I quickly realized I have some kind of stress disorder from all the moves I’ve done, and I almost broke down. My poor wife, I was so angry, so frustrated, and there wasn’t anything she could do to help me. I quickly realized that maybe hiring professional movers is the smart choice, both for my emotional state, and my marriage.

I’ve sent out requests for quote to a bunch of BBB listed moving companies in the area in hopes of finding someone that is dependable, high quality but doesn’t break the bank. This move is costing a small fortune, but it had to be done.

Update on February 9th: Of course, once I got the quotes back, the range was from $950 to over $1600 for the move, so I don’t think that’ll work. Annie and I are back to our other plan, which is to rent a trailer or U-Haul and hopefully that’ll work out okay if we can get enough people to help…

Short Story: Safer at Home – Page 1

“The long road of man to get to this point is an achievement that will change humanity forever.”
Sean was speaking to the computer again, narrating everything. The flurry of activity occurring around me was loud, but not enough to drown out his voice. I tried to keep my cool, but there was something about the way he spoke that made me just want to slap him. “Do you really have to do that?”
An engineer laughed as he clipped my helmet into place.
“I could do it after we lift off if that would make you feel better.”
“Sir?” I responded back, waiting for him to clue in on his oversight.
“Right. I can do it later, sir.”
The sarcasm in his voice only served to irritate me more. I turned my attention to performing my final checks. With the engineers leaving the small arrow tip shaped pod, I locked the doors behind them.
“Three minutes until launch.” A body-less voice stated in a forceful timbre.
I couldn’t help but feel a surge of excitement and anxiety in equal measure as a countdown update was broadcast. I had been training to go to space my entire life, struggling as every possible barrier was dropped in my way.
“A wave of tension fills the Renaissance as we get ready to launch.”
“Sean! Shut up!” Rhea shouted both through the comm system in her suit, and through her open visor.
Everyone in the crew, save Sean, laughed loudly. The tension Sean referenced cleared out, and an intangible change occurred. I felt as though we instantly refocused on the serious mission ahead of us. I pushed down the visor on my helmet, sealing myself in. Status checks happened in a timely manner and as the countdown reached its final seconds, there was nothing stopping us.
“Ten, nine…”
I couldn’t help but think of the seven scrubbed attempts to launch and the heightened anticipation before the frustrating delays.
“Six, five…”
A deep rumbling shimmied up the rocket, through my chair, and into my helmet. It all felt unreal, like a dream I was going to wake up from any second. I tapped my console, giving the all clear, double checking the pressure in the fuel system, and performing one last battery check.
“Two, one.”
The acceleration is unlike anything I can fully explain. The entire front of my body felt like it had hit a brick wall, my brain felt like it was bouncing around in my skull. I was pressed deep within my seat, it was uncomfortable, but not so painful that I wanted it to stop. The simulations, and preparation are nothing like the real thing, even the rocket sleds that we had tested in didn’t really compare to the real experience of fighting Earth’s gravity with huge controlled explosions pushing a small pod into orbit.
It lasted for several minutes as I watched the blue sky above me slowly shift from a bright blue to a deep rich blue before darkening. Rhea had been to space before, but Sean, Leonard, Kyle and I had never experienced something so transcendent. I couldn’t help but let a few, less than professional, gasps slip out, and over the internal communication system.
“Everything okay?” Rhea asked on a private channel.
“It is truly more beautiful than I could have imagined.”
Growing up in a city, I had only seen the full beauty of the night sky on trips between cities. Until I was ten years old, I had assumed there weren’t more than a few dozen stars. I remember seeing thousands of them litter the night sky with their beauty, and feeling as though I had been cheated up until that point. I had always known I wanted to go to space, but I didn’t realize how much there was to see. Being outside of the most dense part of the Earth’s atmosphere provided me with the same experience. The thousands of stars were joined by millions more, and the universe seemed infinite.
“It only gets better.” She responded, a smile in her tone.

My First Real Taste of Project Management: Gif the Halls

I’ve been wanting to learn how to run projects and I recent had an experience that I want to share.

I’ve done some project management previously, but never at the caliber required by my position at 10up. I was recently given the leadership role on a project with WPEngine called Gif the Halls. They came to us with the idea, and asked us to build them a website that would allow for the submission of holiday card text, a way to project the text onto the side of a building, and the record people seeing the projected text. It sounds simple on the surface but required a great deal more work than even I thought.

In the end, I didn’t successfully lead the project from beginning to end. I needed my boss, Dana to step in and help me and Vasken, a VP level staff member, to also jump in and take over pieces of the puzzle. It was disheartening to feel like I had failed in accomplishing my goal, but I’m so grateful for their support. I knew I wasn’t quite ready to lead a project, but I was very excited at the opportunity, and I learned a great deal from my experience that will stand me in good stead the next time I’m given such an opportunity.

I also owe a huge debt to the team that I work with as they put in ridiculous hours developing pieces that were forgotten about at the eleventh hour of the project. We worked through our Christmas holidays to make the project as successful as possible, and I think what we did accomplish was monumental.

There were moments of hilarious revelation as we realized that we had a person in China controlling a digital SLR in California, while working with a team member in Germany, watched by myself in Ontario, Canada and my boss in Florida. Just so very crazy, but exciting and part of what makes working remotely so interesting and engaging.

I’m spending a great deal of time reflecting on the choices I made, and what I could have done better. I am looking forward to the team involved getting together for a meeting and really dissecting this project so that I can continue to learn more and become a better project manager. My goal with working at 10up is to lead a team, and I feel like this experience has helped me get closer to that goal.

In the end, I hope most people that saw the exhibit, and participated in the project are happy with the outcome. I wish it could have all worked perfectly, but it was much more complicated than it seems on the surface, and I know that my team engineered the best solution that we could come up with.

If you want to read a bit more about the project, check out the blog post that was put up on the 10up corporate blog: Gif the Halls: Holiday Cards Gone Wild (Thanks Jake for helping me with it!)

Short Story: Ownership Papers


Welcome to your new body. The previous owner spent thirty-two years in this body, and while it was not always well taken care of, I am sure you will find it to your satisfaction. Before you begin, there are a few things you should know.

You are now male. This might be a bit confusing at first, but you will acclimate quickly. You selected on your rebirth card that the gender of the donor body didn’t matter to you, and hopefully you will enjoy this change. There are some simple pleasures to being male. Please let us know if you would like more details or instruction relating to this change in gender.

You are also now six feet and one inch tall. The perspective of the world around you will have changed slightly. An increase in six or more inches has previously been shown to be disorienting to those taking on new bodies. Please take your time over the next few days, and explore around you. Dust hiding on top of surfaces that you have never seen before might be surprising.

The body you have entered weighs two hundred and eighty pounds. This is obese, but with your history of physical fitness, we are confident that you can fix this over the next few years. Just be aware that your new body will not initially be as athletic as you are used to. Take your time and provide it with plenty of rest between physical activities.

All organs are in relatively good shape. The body you now inhabit did not drink much alcohol and does not smoke. Your new body also has never had any broken bones. You may feel some aches and pains in the wrists, knees and back, but this is likely due to the original owner sitting for far too long. Up to this point, the career path of your new body was focused on office work, and you may notice minor calluses on your finger tips. Compared to most men of this age, your hands are soft and smooth.

As a youth, and teen, your new body had pneumonia more than half a dozen times. This means that your new body is prone to respiratory issues, and it is recommended that you continue to live away from major pollution zones.

You have likely noticed by now that your eyesight is not as good as it was before. You require prescription glasses, but your eyesight does qualify for laser eye correction surgery, and if you would like to take advantage of a special offer we have, please feel free to contact us.

Overall, we hope that you enjoy your new body, and take full advantage of the second change you have been given. If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact us. Please keep these papers on file, as they include details relating to your ownership of this body.